I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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