he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
