3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
