I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
