There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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