So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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