I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
