Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
