listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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