My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
