I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
