Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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