I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
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Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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