I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
