I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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