My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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