Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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