frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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