My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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