I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
