I hate your face
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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