My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
