Yo dont text me then not text me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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