dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
