Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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