Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
