I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
