I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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