Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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