I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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