I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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