if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
