someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
