I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
