i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
