just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
