I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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