ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
