I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
