i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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