guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
