Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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