i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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