just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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