I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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