Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
