just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize