You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
