My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Farmville is her only friend.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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