How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
