now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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