best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
