I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
