you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
