this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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