she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
