come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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